MODERTOR: Good Afternoon. A few of our Sunday Funnies favorites managed to sneak away from the old drawing board to offer their views on health care reform for Penciled Americans. I believe everyone knows each other, but I am going to go around the table and identify each of you by name so that Miss Buxley, who graciously has agreed to act as our stenographer, can take notes.
MISS BUXLEY: My pleasure. I was free today because General Halftrack is getting a hip replacement at the VA.
MODERATOR: I see that Mr. and Mrs. Dagwood Bumstead are here, as well as Mr. and Mrs. Ted Forth, and Dr. and Mrs. Rex Morgan, M.D. There’s Mr. Mark Trail — I’m sorry your lovely bride Cherry couldn’t make it. And is that Dennis Mitchell? Hello, young man. Please climb down from the table and sit in the chair next to Mr. Trail’s St. Bernard. Hans and Fritz Katzenjammer, kindly sit by me. And finally, Mr. Pinhead. Welcome to you all. I appreciate that you all took time out of your busy schedules to join today’s focus group.
DAGWOOD BUMSTEAD: One thing I would like to say from the get-go — I hope that any future health reform includes full coverage for sleep disorders. Mr. Dithers has been busting my you-know-what for years because I can’t stay awake in the office. Sure, it’s funny, but the writers will have to come up with something else because I certainly don’t find it very funny myself.
BLONDIE BUMSTEAD: I would like to add that I am desperate for my husband to get treatment for his snoring problem. And, confidentially, (in stage whisper) I think he may have some kind of absorption problem. He eats and eats but he’s still rail thin.
MODERATOR: Very interesting. Do you think that Dagwood’s idiopathic daytime sleepiness may be related to the fact that you and he only seem to age about one year in your comic strip for every ten years of real time?
DAGWOOD AND BLONDIE: Real time?
MARK TRAIL: Mr. Moderator, I myself would like to see legislation that would guarantee free preventative care to all Penciled Americans, including tetanus boosters, rabies vaccinations and at least fifty physical therapy visits per year. I also would like the freedom to choose non-preferred providers in cases of injuries sustained fighting off unscrupulous property developers who seem to worm their way into my story line at least once a month.
REX MORGAN: Mark, I’m a little offended. Having been your personal physician for years, as well as preferred provider for the entire syndicate, I think my standards of care are excellent. Have you ever had to wait to see me? My waiting room is always empty, isn’t it? And I keep telling you, if you didn’t get so darned close to those critters, you wouldn’t need a rabies series every couple of weeks.
ANDY: Grrrrrrrrrr…
MODERATOR: Um, Mr. Trail, please keep your St. Bernard under control. I would like to finish going around the room so everyone can have a chance to speak. How about you two, Ted and Sally?
SALLY: Is this question with respect to my professional position or with respect to my being a wife and mother?
TED: Oh, boy. Here we go.
SALLY: I must qualify any statement I make because I am the plan administrator for my company’s health plan and I am not in a position to comment on any inadequacies of the plan because it would be a conflict of interest and …
TED: Yeah, the mental health coverage stinks.
SALLY: I cannot go on record one way or the other, but my husband certainly is entitled to his opinion.
TED: What if they covered breast augmentation surgery, Sal? That might be preferable to a mental health benefit.
JUNE MORGAN: I believe that we all are here in the Funnies for a purpose, whether Daily or Sunday, above or below the fold, or on the first, middle or back page. We are here to entertain our readers and, if possible, achieve some self-actualization in the process. I myself find the current state of health care for the Penciled Community just fine. Some of our special characters, such as Mr. Zippy sitting beside me at this table, have managed to succeed in spite of the drafting limitations of their creators. They are beloved around the world for themselves, just the way they are. If Rex or I ever were asked to serve on an Erasure Panel, we never would allow Mr. Zippy or any member of his lovely but funkily inked family to be erased.
ZIPPY: (one hand clapping)
MODERATOR: A final comment from the youngsters. Dennis, Katzenjammers, please give us your thoughts.
DENNIS: Ironically, if I were old enough to vote, I would vote for free growth hormone injections on demand. I am sick of being seven years old. I also think I could make an even bigger contribution to the world as a grown-up. I could even run for Congress.
HANS AND FRITZ : (in unison as they jump on their chairs) Vee tink dat too much dollars schpended on schtupid speech therapists vich does no gut becuz vee understant eeach otter pervectly allreddy!
SALLY: (in a low tone to Moderator) Did those two ever get naturalized? Do they even have standing to join this discussion of Pencilled American Citizens?
MODERATOR: Thank you, everyone, for coming.
Written by JeanBeu